Satyry

Chaynjez

I quit Twitter. Something had to give, and I've been wanting to do it for awhile but waited to see if I was mistaken. Nope. It's hard to articulate, but again it boils down to noise and this sense that the way things are going down in social media makes everything much more trite. Anything to nicely package humanity. It's just weird. I think it's really damaged my psyche. I could be wrong. But cutting something out is what I do. It's my M.O. Change things up. Plenty of opportunity to be busy and I'm fucking exhausted.

It's funny because I was singing Twitter's praises only months ago. But I always honor the changes that for whatever reason my mind and body want me to make. I trust myself implicitly. The job I've had since living in Seattle was I think the catalyst for my burst into social media and subsequent flame-out. The comfort that a white collar job brings, so much idle time, so much opportunity with smartphones to explore. Always at a computer. Communicating via email. Commuting through science, laws, written things, discrete units. And then it became an integral part of my world, and I was more than okay with that for awhile but things are speeding up and I constantly reevaluate. I'm not saying I'm anti-technology, but the social aspect of humans is turning into bytes of information. I'm just not sure that's the best way to go. So divorced from the natural world. So divorced from the spirit in living things. The computer can be a great way to find answers, to get support in hard times, to have an outlet. But I think it's gone too far. This is all of course my opinion. Lately I feel I'm trapped in a glass dome. I can see out but the air can't reach me and I can't reach it. I want to reconnect. Not online.

SVIIB

Wrote this while eating a burrito and drinking a beer

I know my law class is stimulating because my posting pattern has changed. I feel compelled to write something to the internet world after my Wednesday class and so I post on Thursday or Friday. Tonight I'm doing the unthinkable (a word I just realized recently is totally useless) and posting RIGHT AFTER CLASS ON A FUCKING WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

What I want to say is how Myself I really am. I sit there in class and notice my patterns and what I do, immediately think it makes me weird and wrong but then realize that This Is The Way I've Always Been. How is that you ask? Well, okay. This is me in a class:

- I don't try to make friends
- Unless it's a high-pressure class, I draw/doodle the entire time while absorbing the lecture
- I think of questions or comments to say and then miss my opportunity to speak up

Fortunately, I've been forced to become better at that last bullet point through a particular class in college on Evolution where I was graded on participation. It was a really hard class.

And so I'm tired of thinking I'm wrong the way I am. What the fuck does it matter if I'm different? I live in my own head and have to deal with these thoughts, so it's only me who's torturing myself about it. And I've really been able to bridge these personal observations with a wider philosophic perspective lately. I think this is due to my age and due to what I'm going to gush about briefly in the next paragraph.

I've still been watching that Mythos series on Netflix and dude it's amazing. I highly recommend it. I watched two episodes last night and they were on the divisions between Eastern and Western thought and Buddhism and Christianity, among other topics. Joseph Campbell is a master at teaching. The man is extraordinary. He sums up the difference between Christianity and Buddhism with the following: Christianity teaches how to have a Relationship with God, while Buddhism teaches how to realize You are God. He also said, "You can lead a girl to Vassar, but you can't make her think." Hahaha oh Joe!! The way he described Buddhism was truly remarkable. He's so well-versed on everything mythology and religion and philosophy and language and art.

It's really such a privilege to learn. Though taking this class has made my life more hectic, it's truly enriched it more than many other ways I self-educate. I really get a lot out of attending lectures. It's why I'm such a nerd at conferences. I'm so stoked on attending the talks and soooo not enthused about being expected to socialize which makes me even more focused on the talks. I'm really just terrible at socializing anyway. I swear, I am unstoppably socially awkward. Someone's gotta be though. It's kinda fun I guess when I'm not feeling mortified. I am really hoping I can somehow one day find myself surrounded by people in my professional life who are more similar to me. I know it exists because I experienced it in art class in college. And now I will present a prime example of what happens when I try to be even the least bit social with someone in a class situation:

This evening at the end of class we had to break into groups to discuss a hearings board decision on a composting company which had received multiple complaints about the terrible smell emanating from their various facilities in the summer. These complaints resulted in investigators coming out to record the complaint and then find the source of the smell. The compost company was fined accordingly for all of the "nuisance" violations. I really could go into the details but suffice it to say it was a funny thing to discuss. Aside from really discussing the matter our instructor wanted us to (which is boring so I'm not gonna divulge) we all kinda snickered at the circumstances of smell and the pseudo-scientific way the investigators confirmed where the smell was coming from. And this hearings board decision document included VERY MANY testimonies of the complaining neighbors and the associated investigators. Stuff like "it smelled so bad it woke me up" and "it smelled so bad I had to cancel a party" and "it smelled so bad I couldn't go outside." I mean, I really felt for these people when I read their testimonies but ultimately it is still comical.

And now I get to my point - while we were wrapping up the discussion I was thinking, "You know, the reason I think it's so funny is that the word 'smell' is pretty funny itself and the idea of smelling rank shit is also hilarious, let's be honest." And so when class was ended I said as much to the guy next to me (who was only sitting next to me because we were in the discussion group). How did he respond? He weakly laughed and went away.

Please visit this website to see what I'm talking about. Socially Awkward Penguin FOR LIFE!

We can't be Real because then all is chaos?

Get excited guys, I'm still in a pissed off mood!! Except this time, I'm not going to rant about it.

So in three weeks we have our big Whistler trip. And as soon as March hit, I knew these weeks would fly by - a faster time course. And I think it will be because my law class doesn't end until the week of the trip and there are no signs that my work situation will slow down either. Speaking of work, I will be making a trip to the office today on this bright sunny Saturday to reevaluate my work environment - my cubicle. I've decided to move to another cubicle in the office so that my sanity can hopefully be retained. I'm too low on the totem pole to have my own office, but man would it be nice. We're moving to a larger space this summer, where hopefully I will have a more private situation, but in the meantime our current office does not allow for much breathing room. Two of our senior associates/managers currently reside in what were formerly supply closets (large closets, don't get too outraged). So the last frontier is an area of two cubicles not enclosed in an office, unlike my current setup where I share an office divided into cubicles with two other ladies. I will be giving up my direct window view to the outside world, but the benefits outweigh the loss of a window view that I'm frankly a bit tired of because of the energetic environment in which I must now view it.

Lately I really dislike being diplomatic though somehow I manage. The thin veil of civilized modern society. I would greatly prefer to be pure in my being and real in my action instead of having to put on a certain face to go by the rules we have set up. I bring up a video (from a post a while back) to further illustrate how I feel:

Rant you can disregard or read

Lately I've been so pissed and disillusioned. And I'm not depressed. I'm mad. When I look to track back to what started it, it was that fucking climate change class. You know, I have a shield of varying strengths to new disturbing or otherwise upsetting knowledge, and somehow that class was like the death star ray or whatever from Star Wars. It penetrated me to the core and shattered my armor. And so what's left? Though I may be standing here naked in my contempt for the human race and the way we do so much wrong, particularly here in America, I'm not naked and vulnerable. I'm a naked fucking warrior like in Beowulf. And so last night (during class) I was figuring all this stuff out, trying to put a narrative to what was going on inside me. I almost thought I would leave class early because I just didn't want to deal with it but I stayed and participated in the discussion topic at the end. I was grouped with a few quiet people (quiet for varying reasons, some didn't read the discussion material) and one loud mouth chatterbox possibly aspiring lawyer guy who I think likes to hear himself speak. It turned out I did have something to say and ended up standing up to the guy (whose views I disagreed with) and felt good about it. It was then that I realized I can do something with this pissed off energy. It's surging through me. I will find a way to channel it.

And I've been watching this lecture series on Netflix, Mythos with Joseph Campbell. He's the foremost authority on mythology and this series is him going around the country in the late 80's giving talks before he died. In a way, the stuff I'm learning from it is contributing to my pissed-off-ness but is also giving my soul some food. We as a race have largely disconnected from nature. The Judeo-Christian tradition that began this country and trampled on the Native Americans is based on Men. It's destructive, isolationist, and all sorts of other things. Where's the PEACE, man? The American Dream. Let's all buy a fucking house and smile and water our lawns and all that bullshit. It's crazymaking and people don't realize it. I just want something else in a big way and I don't know where to get it. I don't want a 9-5, I don't want to act like everything's just peachy-keen and wow we're taking vacations and buying shit and are SO COMFORTABLE. It's just not enough, and it shouldn't be.

This is our reality

Last night's environmental law class was about climate change/global warming. It was mostly disheartening. Because the U.S. refused to sign the Kyoto Accord some years ago, and since the economy went in the toilet, and since politicians have used climate change denial as a way to get cheap points, people think the issue has gone away. The instructor for last night's class has made most of his career on climate change as an environmental lawyer. He talked about how in school he read the first paper about climate change in the late 1970's. He pointed out how this topic has been treated very differently in Europe, where they signed Kyoto and have been trying to regulate carbon emissions ever since with a cap and trade program. Cap and trade means for example, say there's a big company like Boeing who would need to spent a LOT of money and time on research to refine the way they fuel jets to cut down on carbon emissions. They could pay (I think the average is $40 per pound of carbon) to another company whose main action to cut down on carbon would be to replace all their incandescent light bulbs for the energy efficient ones. Since Boeing paid them that money, they could put forth the capital to buy the new light bulbs, thus making a difference in carbon emission that way. Richer companies helping poorer companies make the simple fixes. Of course, as the cap gets lower on total carbon emitted, Boeing would have to make those innovations a reality, something that would take time. During that time, they could pay for innovation elsewhere.

Unfortunately this sort of system doesn't exist in America.

Though a company's lobbyists or public relations people could say they deny climate change, the way their engineering departments run, their actions, speak to the contrary. The instructor, who has direct knowledge of these activities, says that all American companies are making decisions pertaining to future development based on the understanding that climate change is happening. They are building their new structures, etc. to meet those challenges. For instance, new construction near coastlines are incorporating sea walls or other structures to combat sea level rise. You don't build a facility to last a couple years, you build it to last 50+ years. The range of projections for sea level rise vary, but as science gets better at predicting it through more precise modeling, the future looks scary. Especially since very little action has been taken to address it since the first reports came out from the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) saying how bad things would get if minimal regulatory actions occurred.

Climate change is already happening and though some politicians want to say they don't believe it, capitalists' actions indicate that they do. It was enlightening the way the instructor explained why politicians (ahem some prominent Republicans) can deny the science of it. He said they most likely do believe it, but since the economy is in the toilet and fixing it seems almost hopeless, that to deny it exists can gain them political capital in the eyes of those who want any reason to bolster economic activity, even those that exacerbate the problem. Increased regulations means companies will have to spend more money on technologies and make the U.S. seem like a less friendly place to bring business. It's so funny that 'climate change' is such a hot topic buzzword these days. It's reality. The effects of which are already very evident, and the danger that they will accelerate exponentially very likely. As with other environmental issues, the ones who will suffer the most are poor people and ecosystems. I just read an article of how koalas' habitat is getting smaller and smaller in Queensland, and we all know the plight of the polar bears. Rich people can simply pick up and move somewhere else when their coastal homes are under water but the poor don't have that luxury. And animals can only move so far.

It's sad. Here's a great website the instructor cited: realclimate.org I made the hyperlink so that it takes you to a page where the common points of contention on climate change are addressed and discussed. The magic number is 2 degrees Celsius. Scientists agree that as long as the global temperature peaks at +2 degrees, the catastrophic effects can be avoided. The goal is for that peak to happen in 2020 and then have carbon emissions start declining rapidly after that, something that has never happened. The current plan since the latest talks with global leaders is that maybe the international community (and finally the U.S.) can all have a plan in place to finally address climate change by 2020. But all projections say that by then it will be too late.

There's always the chance that something miraculous can happen and change the course our planet is heading in, but let's be realistic in the meantime. We will see these catastrophic effects in our lifetime. I apologize for not beginning with a scientific primer on climate change before launching into the rest of my discussion, but please refer to the aforementioned website if you're interested. Or just google it, of course. Global warming is not just manifested in warmer temperatures, though that's a big part of it, it will affect water supplies, all sorts of stuff. Get informed. And I'd say be aware of what your local government is doing to prepare. You don't want to run out of water do you?

Be the center of your own universe

I took a week off of Twitter and just news/social media in general. I've been a lot calmer and have a stronger perspective on issues, ironically. To take a step back and get out of the constant input stream was necessary for me. Because it ends up becoming endless chatter. I realized that, bottom line, I was just exposed to the musings and thoughts of other people. And so what about my own? I felt my consumption of other people's thoughts and news cheapened mine. It continues to really frustrate and annoy me when I become aware of others' fixation on social media and the 'reward' chemicals that come from seeking and finding some new tidbit or hilarious musing by someone else.  It's like, what NOISE. I know it does my soul a disservice. I know I get caught up in it. It generates a sense of urgency in staying connected to everything. But if you dare to say "what happens if I shut it off for a period of time" and do it, you find that so much of what you thought was important to stay connected to doesn't mean much.

I also continue to be amazed and baffled by how much other people's opinions really don't matter. There are a lot of people on this planet. Because I try to give everyone's thoughts and banter a somewhat equal standing in terms of value, I end up negating my own. Nate and I have had many conversations about this as of late. I'd much rather be weird or strange than fit in or position myself as easy to pin down by others. This becomes important because I AM different, something I realize all the fucking time. And instead of thinking that's wrong I have to reaffirm that I'm not wrong, just different. My standards for finding another human I really want to be friends with maybe are too high but I don't think so. The reality is there are VERY few people worth a real friendship beyond acquaintance. Call me a misanthrope but I just think life's too short to get caught up in a lot of social bullshit. I'm lucky to be an introvert because it means the social world is not a large part of my identity. It doesn't interest me too much. I'm not someone who will be nice to you if I don't like you.

And what I've written so far comes off as negative it seems, but once you recognize all the bullshit for what it is - bullshit - you can open yourself up to the majesty of EVERYTHING ELSE in life that's NOT dependent on social media and news. Also known as Life Before the Internet. I notice that the way I talk on my blog and when I journal is so funny. I'll say things to myself as if I'm addressing everyone. I'll say "when you" do this, etc. and I guess it's because I want to address all of humanity or something, but there I go having an opinion on what others should do.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ugh

Okay now that I've successfully awkwardly stumbled through explaining that shit I'll give a life update of sorts.

I've been taking an environmental law class at the University of Washington for the last few weeks. I actually have a lot of homework to do which is why this blog is getting written. It's a great class but it's made me busier than I'm used to. I'm building up to take on an even bigger chunk of schooling starting this fall. There's a Natural Science Illustration certificate offered at UW that seems fucking perfect for me. Because my continuing struggle is how to do art and science, right? If you read my blog with any regularity you know my art self makes many appearances but can't seem to find her real place in the world beyond hobby. Medical illustration was an option a few years ago but I wasn't interested in that because I was more into the abstract stuff. But now I'm feeling less inspired abstractly. And I think I also want to prove to myself and others that I CAN draw real things and I'm actually quite good at it. So this program which lasts 9 months will teach me how to accurately draw science things from life, learn how to use the computer to make art, and result in the production of a professional portfolio. I'm going to be attending a preview for the program in a couple weeks so I'll find out more then. I'm not going to approach my company to pay for this, unlike all the other schooling I've had since moving out here. This is for me. And it costs a decent amount of money so I'm already saving up for it. Essentially, $1400 is due for the first quarter of class at the end of September and then I'll have to pay the same amount before the following two quarters (3 quarters total, 9 months of class). All in all it will cost around $4000. And if it's like any other art class I've taken, that cost doesn't include materials. This is something I'm pretty determined to do.

I also got a new tattoo yesterday. The idea for it popped into my head at the beginning of this week, funny enough when I was doing homework for class. I developed it over the course of the week and knew I was ready to make it a reality this weekend. I didn't expect to get it done yesterday when I walked in to the tattoo shop, but it turned out one of the artists had a cancellation and was stoked to get a client. And he did a FANTASTIC JOB. I'm so excited for it to heal. It's on my left forearm and it's my version of the symbol for earth. I've toyed around with the idea of getting an earth tattoo for many years now, but the stumbling block was always "well what part of the earth would I want tattooed?" You know, you have to only show one face of the earth on a 2 dimensional design. And my point is I want to represent my awareness of the entire earth not just one side of it. That's why I find symbols much more satisfying as tattoos. I find them very powerful and succinct representations of somewhat abstract ideas. I'm interested in symbolizing the whole earth and how we're all tied together, humans and everything else. Here I'll show you the drafting process...

First, the earth symbol as I discovered online.

At first I thought I might make it sort of oblong and not circular.





Then I considered keeping it circular.



And toyed with different sizes and positioning.







And what typically happens after I know I've hit on the right design, I want to see it on my skin. I want it to be tattooed on but in the interim I will draw a semblance of it as a placeholder. I drew this while I sat in class Wednesday night.



And then VOILA! Eddie (the tattoo artist) mixed some great colors and told me they'll look even better and brighter once it heals.



It looked like it was crying when I took off the wrapping last night.



And here's a different perspective, which shows the positioning better. Eddie didn't even ask where I wanted it, he just put the stencil there first try and I knew it was perfect.



I hope you all have a great week. And if you have a good idea for a tattoo, get it!

Geometry and Beauty in everything

I don't really have anything to say.

I'm a dinosaur
I'm a sea monster
I'm a dolphin

You should see it from afar